Recasting (looking back and working things out)

Always alone, my emotions dismissed, dissed, disinterest, fitted

Into a shape that was defined for me without my inclusion.

Body and mind moved by the ebbs of her mood

That pushed and pulled and missed me; but it never really mattered, did it?

An item, a thing, to be brought out for show on demand

(Smile at my friends. Show them how nice you are, reflect me, you can go now)

Back to my sanctuary until pulled again for public consumption

Casual consumption; their approval give maneuver room, a bit of peace until next time.

Affection removed for poor performance

(that was an E for failure, the cold shoulder is my reward)

Rising feelings have no expression, but they don’t really matter, do they?

Her feelings matter. They are the only thing that matter. They surround me, a thick matt

They consume me, I am consumed by my need to keep them away and distant

I am consumed by the flume of the disapproval; I can never win approval

No matter what perusal, but then, what does that matter anyway?

Not different, I am a non-thing, and nothing –  I was created to fulfill her and I failed

And I will always fail.

Fuck her.