This poem is dedicated to someone I used to consider a friend but who nuked that from orbit and demanded an apology from me for their hurt feelings over something I did not do.
A strange and powerful lethargy
Astonishing in it’s motionless
My hand stills ascribing without glee
My pen not racing to express
Ideas of showing how I see
Deep into your soul (what a mess)
I am fitting to your reality
Mind steeped in syrup thickness
You exposed yourself to me
Thank you for at last being honest.
Poised on a sharpened blade he balanced
Burning at each end, the wax became flame or smoke
Throwing light onto the faces of us who watched
Smoke stains on the ceiling, wax splashing to the floor
Recasting (looking back and working things out)
Always alone, my emotions dismissed, dissed, disinterest, fitted
Into a shape that was defined for me without my inclusion.
Body and mind moved by the ebbs of her mood
That pushed and pulled and missed me; but it never really mattered, did it?
Defiance was written when I started responding to bullies and gaslighters and I fought the narrative defined for me to follow
Instructions carved in rocks, I hold them against me.
The rules we brought down from the hill, burning and shouting.
Someone there said they were right, and when they were gone from sight
We knew we held a treasure; our future assured.
With each new meeting, a piece more of me is revealed
And removed to be recast. They say it’s important .
As it’s borne away I watch it leave, I grieve, silent; I wait.
It’s worked, formed, set aside to prove and conform.
The existence of the crowd around me as I resist the loudness and sound. My endocrine
glands leak panic, my face glitters and is frantic, and my flesh displays outward pleasure, manic
“Pleased to see you, it’s been too long!” – I air-kiss and grasp arms and wish myself away
as I stay, and my talk is small and empty and so is theirs, my feet hurt and my drink is empty
I have published Crash Space via smashwords!
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/893134.
The blurb:
“Rusel is a bisexual, non-binary nerd, who just wants to have a good time and coast through a life filled with sex, role-playing, and pranks. It’s a great shock then to find that someone dislikes them enough to attempt murder.
Who does Rusel know who would dislike them enough to kill? What on earth could be the motive? Could it be one of the housemates or an ex partner with a grudge?
Rusel downplays their impact on other’s lives, and navigates a life filled with parties, social events, drugs, complicated housemate relationships, and jokes gone awry. Motives are exposed and must be dealt with before the next attempt is made.”
Some things I want to say about this novel:
This story evolved a lot since it’s inception in something like 2010 and I worked on it on and off for years; to be honest I changed in a lot of my viewpoints from 6 year-ago-me to now-me. Largely I realised how ingrained misogyny was in my reading and thinking habits (despite me thinking I was a bit of a feminist). I rewrote so much of this to make it not like that.
In Relation to us
I would not take the cup from times’ hand that would lead me back to my past
So that I may choose again, choose the path leading from strife and pain
That for moments in my time made me insane; overall, I gained.
A short break from poetry to announce that after 23 years of procrastination, editing, ignoring, and moments of frantic work, I have self-published the first manuscript I ever ‘completed’. “The Stanleigh Rose”. You can get it here as an ebook.
What a journey.
Taking
I have run out of shits to give to people who demand from me
That which they don’t stand for to enrich themselves.
Grasping cold straws to fill the void of cold life, they stand
For control over my body my life, my choice, which does
Not fill them with anything other than bitterness.
Moylen Green - writings 