Cancers are crabs and so they are usually crabby. You can tell someone who is crabby by how they respond to normal everyday pleasantries.
For example, if you ask a Pisces if you can have one of their bits of uneaten bacon, they may reply, “It’s not unwanted, I’m saving it to last. I like bacon.” See how easy that was. Breakfast continues in peace, there is no loss of friendship. Everyone knows where they stand.
But if you ask a Cancerian the same question they are more likely to respond “Go away, you! This is my bacon! Get your own!” And then they will shun you for two days and refer to you under their breath as a bacon thief. EVEN IF YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY TAKE THEIR BACON!
Cancers, you need to consider your life choices, and understand why you have no friends.
As a Gemini you tend to spend your entire life seeing things in double. This can either mean you’re always a bit drunk, or perhaps you have an astigmatism in your eyes. If it’s the first you should consider drinking less, perhaps go onto some other drugs. Try Nitrous Oxide, for example (say NO2 to the hard drugs!). If it’s the second, I can recommend a good Optometrist who will prescribe you glasses.
Continue reading “Yearly Horoscope – Gemini”
I grew up with a brother who was assigned Taurus at birth and so I am wary of you Taurus types. I know what you are like and I’m right to look askance at you all.
- Cheat at monopoly because you’re the race car and the race car gets to drive past ‘go to jail’ and also drives past the streets that your siblings own so you don’t have to pay rent
- Cheat at chess by telling me the white set have more moves and can do more and you always play the white set so your siblings always lose. Ok now I think about it this is totally woke and you Taurans clearly have a very real sense of White Privilege and were teaching your siblings a lesson that white people have it way better for no reason at all.
- Hit your siblings all the time and rip their jigsaws in half
- Write things like ‘Moylen was here’ on the wall in texta and then say your sibling has done it and get angry when parents don’t believe you (possibly because your sibling had not learned to write yet)
- Hang your siblings toys by the feet up over their bed at night and tell sibling the toys screamed all night and then NOT LET THEM BE CUT DOWN
- Tell sibling your teddy bear needs an operation and take over half of their pocket money for year to pay for it. Hrm again, you are pretty woke, this is a good example of teaching a small child how taxes and healthcare works.
So really, what I’m saying to those Bull headed Taurans who come to this page, you probably deserve whatever miserable life you have for tormenting your sibling.
I submitted this piece to a compilation on tram tales in 2010 and I never heard back as to whether it was included, I was supposed to get a pdf of the completed work and I didn’t. I am publishing it here.
I was a tram conductor in the mid 90s. There is a world of difference between sitting on a tram as a passenger and working on one. I have read descriptions of being in a war as being a lot of doing nothing and being bored, followed by short sharp periods of action. The same thing could have been said of being a tram conductor – the only real action was if you had a peak hour tram or you were nearing a train station at a peak time.
Continue reading “I was briefly a Tram Conductor – a chat”
Congratulations, you’re a fish. Sometimes represented as TWO fish, which, frankly is ripping of the poor Geminis, so stop that at once, they already have a hard enough time being all dressed the same as kids and having to share birthdays and all. Fish are cool. Especially lungfish, have you ever seen a lungfish? The one in Queensland looks like a blob of mud with leg blobs, I bet it tastes like mud too.
What does 2018 bring for you Piscatarians?
Health: Unfortunately because you’re a fish, you are subject to mercury poisoning. Mercury poisoning can lead to autism, I know, I read it on the internet so it must be true.
Poisoning is likely to occur most when the planet Mercury is in conjunction with the planet Mars, it’s all about shooting up the messenger. Yes that is a a God-of-War and Messenger-to-the-Gods joke with a reference to antivaxxers thrown right in for good luck. You have to get down with your Roman mythology if you’re going to read more from me.
Continue reading “Yearly Horoscope – Pisces”
What does 2018 bring for you?
You are a water sign, thus you have wrinkly fingers and toes. It’s gross, don’t touch me with them.
If anyone wants a drink you are obliged to bring it to them, it’s your job after all. You are best fitted in 2018 to be a waiter, an agriculturist, or a toilet cleaner – anything really where fluids are transported. You should definitely invest in comfortable shoes this year because you’ll be on your feel all day, trudging around doing menial labor that a good automated system could do in half the time. Don’t worry though, automation is coming and you’ll be out of a job before you know it. Continue reading “Yearly Horoscope – Aquarius”
Ask Moylen Green, your agony Ent, for the latest hints and tips on ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF.
Rod M, sometimes manager and never architect, has asked me the following:
“When is it ok to talk about your kids to friends without kids?”
Having a child triggers a well known mechanism known as The Baby Alien Switch. When someone has a child, their brain and persona is removed (the method of removal has yet to be studied) and replaced with an alien that inhabits their body. The alien seems to be them – it has their body, after all, but all it does is think and talk about their offspring.
Continue reading “When is it ok to talk about your kids to friends without kids? – Agony Ent”