Yearly Horoscope – Sagittarius

So it’s half a dude, holding a projectile weapon, with the rest of him a horse. Which seems really odd to me, because that’s like a mounted Calvary. You should have your archers STATIONARY as they have the ability to PROJECT their weapons at the enemy, and then your CALVARY should charge in and ruin everyone by stomping on them. The weapon of the Sagittarius should be a pike, or a hammer, or something that it can gallop up to someone and smash them with and gallop off again.  It’s pointless combining the too. Not good design at all.

I dunno. Olden-days people made a lot of utter shit up, didn’t they.

Oooh predictions. Um, you’ll drop your bow and arrow if you have to go into battle but you will be able to give a lift to King Richard III and that might mean that Bosworth ends very differently.

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Yearly Horoscope – Sagittarius

Yearly Horoscope – Capricorn

Hah! Bet you didn’t expect this to be second last. Capricorns are often last and they are ok with that because it’s like when you have a plate full of dinner and you save the best mouthful for the end.

Like, the pork cracking (assuming it’s been cooked it well and it’s not chewy, that’s the worst, isn’t it?). Or, say, on a salad, if you have a chunk of feta cheese that you just wait and wait for and whammo, it’s last, and it almost makes up from the chore of having to eat boring salad!

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Yearly Horoscope – Capricorn

Yearly Horoscope – Libra

If I had to weigh things up, I’d say Librans were the most well balanced of the astrological signs.

….I made myself chuckle, and really, that’s what I’m here for. In fact often I am so caught up in my own cleverness that I totally forget what I’m on about. Oh yeah, astrological signs. Those things.

Um. Libra.

Well, for a start, you have a place named after you that is full of books, so probably means you’re all wise.

What? Oh, that’s a Library. Well that’s awkward.

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Yearly Horoscope – Libra

Yearly Horoscope – Virgo

Virgos are repressed and exacting. Sort of like Incels. Are all Incels Virgos? I’d ask them but I assume they’d just sneer and call me a Chad or a Stacey or possibly a normie. If you’re on this page and reading this, it should be quite obvious that I’m not a normie. But perhaps I don’t understand the terminology well enough.

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Yearly Horoscope – Virgo

Yearly Horoscope : Leo

Leos get a very roar deal from life, so I’ve heard. Being forced to eat grubby wildebeast and live in packs where the head dude yells at and excludes all the other dudes and all the women are like, whatever.

Wait, that’s Lions. I often forget what the difference is between the character in the symbol and the actual reality of what a horoscope is, that is of course,  a made-up description based on a nonsensical set of values with arbitrary values and meanings, that some people really get into.

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Yearly Horoscope : Leo

Yearly Horoscope – Gemini

As a Gemini you tend to spend your entire life seeing things in double. This can either mean you’re always a bit drunk, or perhaps you have an astigmatism in your eyes. If it’s the first you should consider drinking less, perhaps go onto some other drugs. Try Nitrous Oxide, for example (say NO2 to the hard drugs!). If it’s the second, I can recommend a good Optometrist who will prescribe you glasses.

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Yearly Horoscope – Gemini

Yearly Horoscope – Taurus

I grew up with a brother who was assigned Taurus at birth and so I am wary of you Taurus types. I know what you are like and I’m right to look askance at you all.

You:

  • Cheat at monopoly because you’re the race car and the race car gets to drive past ‘go to jail’ and also drives past the streets that your siblings own so you don’t have to pay rent
  • Cheat at chess by telling me the white set have more moves and can do more and you always play the white set so your siblings always lose. Ok now I think about it this is totally woke and you Taurans clearly have a very real sense of White Privilege and were teaching your siblings a lesson that white people have it way better for no reason at all.
  • Hit your siblings all the time  and rip their jigsaws in half
  • Write things like ‘Moylen was here’ on the wall in texta and then say your sibling has done it and get angry when parents don’t believe you (possibly because your sibling had not learned to write yet)
  • Hang your siblings toys by the feet up over their bed at night and tell sibling the toys screamed all night and then NOT LET THEM BE CUT DOWN
  • Tell sibling your teddy bear needs an operation and take over half of their pocket money for year to pay for it.  Hrm again, you are pretty woke, this is a good example of teaching a small child how taxes and healthcare works.

So really, what I’m saying to those Bull headed Taurans who come to this page, you probably deserve whatever miserable life you have for tormenting your sibling.

 

Yearly Horoscope – Taurus