Congratulations, you’re a fish.  Sometimes represented as TWO fish, which, frankly is ripping of the poor Geminis, so stop that at once, they already have a hard enough time being all dressed the same as kids and having to share birthdays and all. Fish are cool. Especially lungfish, have you ever seen a lungfish? The one in Queensland looks like a blob of mud with leg blobs, I bet it tastes like mud too.

What does 2018 bring for you Piscatarians?

Health: Unfortunately because you’re a fish, you are subject to mercury poisoning.  Mercury poisoning can lead to autism, I know, I read it on the internet so it must be true.

Poisoning is likely to occur most when the planet Mercury is in conjunction with the planet Mars, it’s all about shooting up the messenger. Yes that is a a God-of-War and Messenger-to-the-Gods joke with a reference to antivaxxers thrown right in for good luck. You have to get down with your Roman mythology if you’re going to read more from me.

Advice for Pisces:

You should seriously consider scaling back a bit on the spending.

You should finish something this week.

You should know you’re too easy to hook, so you should stop fishing for compliments.

Stop being so koi all the time, everyone knows you’re not modest.

You should be spontaneous for a change, just for the halibut.

Stop floundering around and get on with your life.