The Panda used to rule in Japan as Emperor for thousands of years after the first Panda Emperor, Emmanuel Higgins I, wrested power from the Zing Dynasty ruler Odo IV by tricking his guards into attending a cockfight, and creeping in and strangling him while he slept.

The stranglehold the Pandas had over all of Asia is well documented and i won’t go into it here, you need to look up wikipedia for that. It’s all there, rather tediously as we all know pedants rule wikipedia.

Since their banishment from Japan in 1897 due to the first democratic elections held in Tokyo, the tragedy of the Pandas story is that there are now only 8 of them left in the world. At the time of banishment there were more than 500, but a group-wide depression due to the loss of their habitat, and the decision by the clan leader to enforce the eating of only bamboo as a protest against the way they were treated by their former subjects, has led to declining fertility rates.

Many treatments were tried over the years. A spate of goat throwing by the male pandas seemed to bring forth a number of twins, but the results have never been replicated, and the attempts angered those who followed the great Goatse leader. At the ceasefire of WWII, one of the pandas attempted to convince the world that the answer lay in the sending of Betty Grable over to live in the foothills, but Grable refused to go, thus enraging the pro-Panda groups and earning her the famous nickname of ‘The Fur Killer’.

A study carried out in the 1980s showed that bamboo has certain chemical properties which causes low sperm counts in Pandas. However by the time this was established, the Pandas had lost all ability to digest any other foodstuffs OTHER than bamboo, so it’s good bye and good night for everyone’s favorite giant killing machine, I’m afraid.