Why didn’t David Bowie get older? Questions answered by Moylen Green, Agony Ent

(Originally published December 2009 on Things You Should Know blog, lets keep this as a tribute).
About 1000 years ago, an alien race decided to study humanity from orbit. The race was called the Eiwobdivadians. They watched, bemused for a long time from the safety of their craft, after a few hundred years they decided they knew enough about humanity and sent a number of representatives down to act as humans. This explains Mary Queen of Scots, who was not human at all in her ‘Scotland Years’, she was replaced by an Eiwobdivadian. Knowing this can lead to a deeper understanding as to what happened to the Royal house of Stuart – not entirely human and a complete lack of understanding the human condition led to civil war and tragedy for the next 100 or so years in England.

Because of this failure to understand how humanity worked and the subsequent negative consequences, it was not until the 1960s that the next representative was sent to earth. This was the construct that became known as “David Bowie”. They got some of it wrong straight up – the lack of clear gender, for example, and the mismatched eyes (there was no UAT testing done), which were not picked up until the beta release, by which time Bowie had already become famous. Bowie’s failure to grasp humanity ended up with his first singles, such as the Laughing Gnome, released as he was struggling to understand what humans liked to listen to.

Throughout the next decades Bowie went from strength to strength, each ‘hit’ was gone over by the aliens on the mother ship and released only after it passed a committee. This worked well until the early 90s when one of the main board of music had what is an equiviant to an anurism, and Bowie’s music went totally off track and progressivley stranger.

THis was the point that people started realising that he wasn’t actually getting any older. He’d been periodically taken to the mother ship and given the once over to ‘cut’ his ‘hair’ and change his look to match those decades (sure they missed the mark a bit in the 80s, espcially with his ‘Lets Dance’ music video – but he somehow turned failure into victory when he tended to create trends, so he was known as a trend setter).

Some time in the late 90s it was realised that by now he should have wrinkles or some other signs of ageing. Unfortunately the main make up artist for the Eiwobdivadians was off on assignment fixing the ever-widening mouth of Steve Tyler to a reasonable size, so an apprentice had to work on Bowie’s fauxskin, and he didn’t quite understand the brief (wrinkles, greying hair, changed appearance) – hence David Bowie just looks stranger, rather than older.
It’s hard to put your finger on really why he looks so strange. There’s a theory known as ‘uncanny valley’ which Bowie tends to fall into.

I’m looking forward to seeing his next update, it’s due in the next few years. I’m hoping he comes out blue.

Why didn’t David Bowie get older? Questions answered by Moylen Green, Agony Ent

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