AAAAAnd I’m gonna put this behind a cut, as it’s gross.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I remember writing this (1999?) and I remember being really happy with it. Now I share it with the internet, perhaps foolishly.

Arthur Berth the After Birth

Arthur Berth came from very humble beginnings. Mr and Mrs Berth worked in a refuse reclamation facility in Notting Hill.

They were delighted to discover that they were going to have a baby.

Unfortunately, their doctor was hooked on Pethidine, and didn’t notice that he had kept the wrong bit.

The baby went to a French cosmetics company with the placentas and foetal tissue of the other babies born that day.

Arthur was not popular at kindergarten.

Or at Primary school.

Then, finally, Arthur met someone who was even more socially outcast.  His name was Craig Pontiac

His nickname was Masher, which also happened to be his hobby

Masher and Arthur became good friends.  They would play great games.  Masher would stuff Arthur into the exhaust of the teacher’s cars, and laugh when Arthur got shot out like a bullet.

Once day during these aerial activities, the team captain for the discus happened to be wandering past.

Arthur became a star discus champion.

He also did well in swimming, especially the butterfly stroke.

However, the fact that he was a placenta still left him an outcast.

Eventually he got a girlfriend.  Her name was Virginia Marten.  She liked to pretend she was from Venus.

They left school and moved in together.  Virginia worked in a factory making plastic turf.  Arthur became addicted to chat rooms.

He was no longer socially isolated.

One day he was going for a walk with Virginia, and a large Labrador ran up and ate him.  Virginia stood looking at the damp bit of ground for a while before going home.