As a Gemini you tend to spend your entire life seeing things in double. This can either mean you’re always a bit drunk, or perhaps you have an astigmatism in your eyes. If it’s the first you should consider drinking less, perhaps go onto some other drugs. Try Nitrous Oxide, for example (say NO2 to the hard drugs!). If it’s the second, I can recommend a good Optometrist who will prescribe you glasses.
I grew up with a brother who was assigned Taurus at birth and so I am wary of you Taurus types. I know what you are like and I’m right to look askance at you all.
- Cheat at monopoly because you’re the race car and the race car gets to drive past ‘go to jail’ and also drives past the streets that your siblings own so you don’t have to pay rent
- Cheat at chess by telling me the white set have more moves and can do more and you always play the white set so your siblings always lose. Ok now I think about it this is totally woke and you Taurans clearly have a very real sense of White Privilege and were teaching your siblings a lesson that white people have it way better for no reason at all.
- Hit your siblings all the time and rip their jigsaws in half
- Write things like ‘Moylen was here’ on the wall in texta and then say your sibling has done it and get angry when parents don’t believe you (possibly because your sibling had not learned to write yet)
- Hang your siblings toys by the feet up over their bed at night and tell sibling the toys screamed all night and then NOT LET THEM BE CUT DOWN
- Tell sibling your teddy bear needs an operation and take over half of their pocket money for year to pay for it. Hrm again, you are pretty woke, this is a good example of teaching a small child how taxes and healthcare works.
So really, what I’m saying to those Bull headed Taurans who come to this page, you probably deserve whatever miserable life you have for tormenting your sibling.
Congratulations! Not only are you born under the sign that is impossible to spell from memory, you’re also represented by a ram. I bet that made you popular in the school yard.
I think the Chinese have better zodiac symbols. At least some of them, they also have a goat/sheep. I didn’t think that statement through, did I. I wonder if there is goat crossover between the astrological and the Chinese Zodiac? I guess if a Chinese sheep and an astrology sheep combined, it would be a one-month-every-twelve-years thing. That would surely be super special, right?
Congratulations, you’re a fish. Sometimes represented as TWO fish, which, frankly is ripping of the poor Geminis, so stop that at once, they already have a hard enough time being all dressed the same as kids and having to share birthdays and all. Fish are cool. Especially lungfish, have you ever seen a lungfish? The one in Queensland looks like a blob of mud with leg blobs, I bet it tastes like mud too.
What does 2018 bring for you Piscatarians?
Health: Unfortunately because you’re a fish, you are subject to mercury poisoning. Mercury poisoning can lead to autism, I know, I read it on the internet so it must be true.
Poisoning is likely to occur most when the planet Mercury is in conjunction with the planet Mars, it’s all about shooting up the messenger. Yes that is a a God-of-War and Messenger-to-the-Gods joke with a reference to antivaxxers thrown right in for good luck. You have to get down with your Roman mythology if you’re going to read more from me.
What does 2018 bring for you?
You are a water sign, thus you have wrinkly fingers and toes. It’s gross, don’t touch me with them.
If anyone wants a drink you are obliged to bring it to them, it’s your job after all. You are best fitted in 2018 to be a waiter, an agriculturist, or a toilet cleaner – anything really where fluids are transported. You should definitely invest in comfortable shoes this year because you’ll be on your feel all day, trudging around doing menial labor that a good automated system could do in half the time. Don’t worry though, automation is coming and you’ll be out of a job before you know it. Continue reading “Yearly Horoscope – Aquarius”